Thursday, January 5, 2012

Resolved: Fuck Resolutions

Every year I'm baffled by the practice of new year's resolutions, the only resolutions less powerful than those produced by the United Nations Security Council. Everyone makes them, breaks them, and makes them anew the following year, and we all subconsciously agree to pretend this is a healthy practice. America is the country of self-actualization, after all.

Thus I urge my dear readers to do away with all this pretense. Resolutions can go to hell. Or, if you must make them, make them on January 2nd, or February 8th, or some other random day that lacks the pomp and false-hope of January 1st. Resolve it like you mean it and, more importantly, when you mean it.

Of course you're still going to need some 2012 Statement of Self-Improvement to blab about when your coworkers are talking about what radically better people they will surely become this year. The next time a friend, coworker, relative, or homeless person asks you what your new year's resolution is, may I humbly suggest you reply with one of the following [Note: these are the actual, true resolutions of your very own S. Misanthrope. Every. Single. Year.]:

RESOLVED: Drink more.

RESOLVED: Party more.

RESOLVED: Be meaner to children.

RESOLVED: Use more paper products. Use them as if your worth as a human at the Last Judgment will be measured in trees you helped destroy. Throw them in the regular trash, not compost or recycling.

RESOLVED: Try something illegal, addictive, and/or socially unacceptable that you haven't tried before.

RESOLVED: Play more video games.

RESOLVED: Buy more pointless things, for instance helicopters that do battle with lasers [Author's Note: Check and check.]

RESOLVED: Get angry more often. Unleash your fury on those who deserve it, FEDEX!

RESOLVED: Stop writing this post and go do real work.

Happy New Year,

S. Misanthrope