Thursday, November 17, 2011


I’m not really that into music. Don’t get me wrong, I like music. I listen to it all day, I dance to it in clubs or in my living room, and I sing it with all my heart in the shower. I have at least 5 complete musicals memorized, ready to perform at a moment’s notice, and although I haven’t played the piano regularly in over ten years, my fingers can never unlearn “My Heart Will Go On.” Music is a constant presence in my life, and it contributes greatly to my happiness.

That said, I can count the number of concerts I’ve attended on one hand. My non-musical theatre repertoire consists of things I heard on the radio or stuff my friends sent me. Pre-Pandora I could name at most two bands that formed after 1990 and none that my parents couldn’t also name. Music and I like to keep things casual between us. We hang out, we have fun together, but we don’t let things get too serious.

I would never list music as one of my interests on some internet profile. I suppose I may have, in the past, before I met people with real dedication to music. People who, for instance, have tracked down the lead singers of obscure bands that disbanded ten years ago, resulting in said singer sending them a CD containing unpublished tracks this singer produced on their living room floor using nothing but an 8-track, a gramophone, and Scotch tape. People who have done all of this and yet still don’t consider themselves “that into music.”

I have no intention of ever putting as much effort into anything in my life as music subculturists put into their aggrotech-cybergrind electro-industrial fusion.

Pictured: too much effort.
  Therefore I’ll be the first to acknowledge that I have no idea what goes on in the world of music, whether in its creation or consumption. I do, however, know enough to know that this is a stupid, stupid song:

Now, will someone please explain to me why this song got a big cheer when it came on at this party I went to a few weeks ago? Keep in mind, this was a Halloween party, and yet somehow this song generated more excitement than “Thriller.” In fact the level of enthusiasm for this song was that usually reserved exclusively for “Don’t Stop Believing.”

I just don’t get it. The song is not brand new. It doesn’t have a particularly good beat. It’s not a good song at all by any measure. Worst of all, and I didn't even know this until I looked up that video, the goddamn title contains a typo*. Strangest of all, the crowd at the party was wealthy 30-somethings, effectively the “1%.” With all their resources, you’d think they could afford better taste.

The gap between rich and poor is supposedly growing, but culturally at least, I don’t see it. Rich people may spend more money on music and fashion and education, but they come out looking and sounding the same as poor people.

If you’re one of the two dozen young people who still believe that hard work and intelligence will allow you to rise to the top, I have a very important message for you. Although I can’t afford to discourage you given how bad things are, I really feel someone should let you know: the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the sun, it’s a dinky compact florescent bulb in a sad, musty basement. When you reach your goal, when you become the 1% or whatever it is you’re after, you won’t find yourself admitted to a stunning world of advanced culture. The Brandenburg concertos won’t be playing as you enter the gilt palaces of the rich and influential. You won’t be greeted by high-minded sophisticates in silks. You don’t get to join insightful conversations on engrossing subjects. No. Instead, you’ll find a stale room filled with Zach Galifianakis clones discussing the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Detroit while the fucking Black Eyed Peas play endlessly in the background.

But hey, at least there's a song (that's actually good) about this very thing:

Good luck,

S. Misanthrope

*"Gotta" means "got to" or "have to" as in "I gotta run to the store, because the milk went bad, and I need to feed my cat." It does not mean "got a" or "have a" as in "I got a fresh carton of milk from the store, but it was too late; Fluffy had died." That's nonsense. And before some asshole shows up lecturing on the evolution of slang terminology, FUCK OFF. The whole point of words like "gotta" is to shorten and simplify phrases, not add unnecessary letters.


  1. Hey! I am totally having a casual fling with music, too. I didn't realize he was poly. ;-)

    And I gotta love your grammatical asides.

  2. "Rich people may spend more money on music and fashion and education, but they come out looking and sounding the same as poor people."

    Repeated for emphasis.

    I just recently posted the mazel tov song, as I call it, to a thread where everyone was trying to one-up each other with shitty songs. I think this one was the ultimate winner, although it lacks the incomprehensible popularity of the Black Eyed Peas:

  3. That goddamn title always bothers me too >:\

  4. Ooh, video share time! Personally I will always have a special place on my "worst of" list for this gem:

  5. My friend used to call this one the "Special Olympics Theme Song," and I think the video does not disappoint:

  6. I too have similar passion for music.I love to sing when i am alone.I listen to songs all day.But i haven't decided to take it up professionally.Its just a hobby for me.

  7. LOL: