Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Business Idea: The Passive-Aggressive Reader Library

Do you need to send a message without actually sending a message? Have a friend, coworker, or spouse who needs to be set straight through indirect means? Want to stick it to the Powers That Be without sticking your nose out? Then look no further than the Passive-Aggressive Reader Library.

The Passive-Aggressive Reader Library, or "PARL," is a revolutionary new way to get your point across without having to acknowledge that you're making a point. Say for instance you're facing a conflict at work wherein you believe your boss has acted unfairly. Before the PARL, your options would be limited to an uncomfortable and possibly career-damaging direct confrontation with your boss or some temporarily satisfying but ultimately nonconstructive water cooler griping.

Those days are history thanks to PARL! The innovative PARL system allows you to shirk the responsibility of communicating like an adult while still letting people know, or at least suspect, what you really think of them in three easy steps:

Step 1: Order your PARL through our easy-to-use website or via phone with one of our friendly customer service reps. We will help you determine exactly what product is appropriate for your unique circumstance, or you can purchase our Master's Library which contains an assortment of our most-loved products. Our most popular titles include:

Options to Consider before Divorce: Strategies for Lowering Your Standards and Learning to Be Happy with What You've Got  [Our #1 Bestseller!]

So Your Boss Is a Moron: How to Work for a Monkey that Can Talk [Featured on Dr. Phil!]

Adoption Is Still an Option: 10 (Mostly Legal) Ways to Cope with Unruly Offspring ["Don't have sex without it!" ~Dr. Laura]

Roommates: Sometimes They Just Die, Right? [The college essential!]

Step 2: Place the appropriate product in a place where the person you are attempting to communicate with will be certain to see it, for instance on your spouse's nightstand, in a shared bathroom, on your desk at work, etc.

Step 3: Deny. When the person asks you about the title, simply say "Oh, I bought that for a friend of mine," and leave it at that. A seed of doubt will begin to fester in their mind, the suspicion that you're lying and that it's really all about them. Soon their entire sense of self-worth will be in shambles, without you having said a word! To encourage faster growth, repeat the process with a product from our Follow-Up Collection, titles like:

Divorce: It's Easier than You Think [With an appendix of actual divorce attorney phone numbers!]

5 Easy Ways to Get Your Boss Fired If You Aren't Promoted Today! [Special Title IX update available for this classic!]

"Would Anyone Really Notice If They Were Gone?": True Stories of Parents Who Got Away with Murder [Guaranteed effective!]

How to Keep Your Roommate from Finding Out About... [2011 edition includes chapters titled: "Your Criminal Record," "Your Pet Black Mamba," and "The Stuff You Put in Their Coffee Every Morning"!]

Your first order with PARL even includes an instructional video designed to help you maximize your passive-aggressive potential. Don't waste any more time on proper, grown-up communication! Order your PARL today!

^_^

S. Misanthrope

2 comments:

  1. "Would Anyone Really Notice If They Were Gone?"

    HAHAHAHAHA I need this book for every parent I know.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Disclaimer: Strategic Misanthropy and the PARL do not condone alternative uses of these materials, including, but not limited to, Casey Anthony-ing your children. (But let's face it: what you do on your own time is up to you.)

    ReplyDelete