Friday, July 8, 2011

All the Not-Single Ladies:

Every once in a while, when I'm out without Sig. Other, people be like "Where's Sig. Other?", to which I reply with a most articulate shrug. Then I get this completely baffled sideways look like "Whaaa?" I can see the speculations flicker by. Did they have a fight? Is S.M. stepping out on S.O.? Is their marriage in trouble? Did I remember to let the dog out? Yes, I believe I did. Where was I? Oh yes, maybe they already broke up and S.O. moved out and they just don't want to say anything about it yet, and maybe S.M. is embarrassed because S.O. is going for a younger model and...

Right, ok: people, you are crazy. There is nothing (read my lips: n-o-t-h-i-n-g) wrong with couples doing things separately. Even social things like dancing, drinking, club-going, and traveling. To the contrary, it's actually been demonstrated to be one of the key factors in successful relationships (meaning relationships where neither partner ends up killing the other or, you know, breaking up.) So you can just take your judgey-mac-judge-judge face and shove it, savvy?

Now to all the fine ladies and gents out there who, thanks to their aforementioned fineness, have fine ladies and gents or gents/ladies of their own and are enjoying the delicious, delicious fruits of committed relationships, I'm here to tell you not to let all the single ladies get you down. First of all, the non-single ladies are the desirable ones, pretty much by definition. Secondly, just because there aren't a lot of songs that urge married folks to gesticulate in some particular way, doesn't mean your fun times are over. To the contrary, your times are funner than ever before. You can finally just relax and enjoy yourself because:

1. You *know* you're getting laid when you get home from the club.
2. You have an easy out with the creepers.
3. It completely doesn't matter what you look like, because someone is already stuck with you (see #1).

Congratulations: you just turned the most stressful experience known to man into a pleasant pastime. Maybe you can even enjoy going to the gym now. The possibilities really are limitless.

If you're still stressed because Judgement-Face over there is still giving you the fish-eye, here are some handy tips:

1. Buy your own drinks. It's really only fair. People only buy you drinks to get in your pants, so if your pants are not for sale, don't accept payment.
2. Wear your ring. People don't always look for them, but it should be there in case they do. You might consider wearing one even if you aren't actually married, just to simplify the communication.
3. Be honest. You don't have to tattoo "TAKEN" on your forehead, but until Facebook is holographically superimposed on top of real life, you will have to make an effort to communicate your relationship status appropriately.
4. Set time limits. Spending a lot of time with one person generally indicates a serious interest. You can avoid awkwardness by mentioning that you aren't single early on, such as between the first and second dance.
5. Be fair. Sometimes people will do things for you and expect little in return, but usually they want to get some. As soon as a favor is offered, say something like "I'd love to accept, but you should first know that I'm not available."

Unlike my dating advice, I've actually put these ideas into practice, with really encouraging results. I've yet to run into a negative reaction. In fact, I've yet to run into anything but gratitude. About a quarter of men will thank you for the dance or whatever, then politely move on. Half will say it's cool, they just want to dance or whatever and will stick around a while. The last quarter are the pushy ones who say they're fine with there being no romantic or sexual prospect, but soon start asking where your partner is, and if he's not here, what's the harm of spending a little time together, maybe just a little kiss, eh?

This actually brings me to a broader topic which is that people are actually pretty okay, at least for short periods of time, so just give them a fucking chance, ok? Strange claim for a misanthrope to make, I know, but it's true. I simply do not understand the general objection of the female sex to cat calls, pickup lines, and the like. What kind of mind-body dichotomy crap is that? A guy passing you on the street can't asses your IQ or career success from looking at you. All he knows is: hot or not. And if the answer is hot, why wouldn't you want to know? Being hot certainly doesn't prohibit you from also being smart. In fact, statistically, the two are actually correlated. Yes, there are rude ways to let a girl know that you find her attractive, but there are plenty of polite ways as well. Why do they all seem to end up lumped in the same bucket?

Again, speaking from actual experience here. Number of times I've gratefully acknowledged unsolicited verbal male appreciation: um, dozens? Number of times a pleasant interaction has resulted: same. Number of times I've materially benefited from the exchange (i.e. gotten a favor like directions, recommendations, someone to carry heavy stuff, etc.): at least 15. Number of times I've been sexually assaulted: 0.

What was my point here? Oh right: people need to chill out and have fun whether or single or not.

Bitches, be cool!

S. Misanthrope


  1. Does this mean that I shouldn't take the fact that S.O. never authors articles on this blog as a sign that I should start fixing you up with random hotties?

  2. Is the name of this site "Sig. Other's Blog?" Then no.