Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Have you guys seen this? It's the cool new thing for blogs. This app (that is completely unrelated to mattresses) allows anyone who reads or pretends to read your blog to ask impertinent, boring, or pointless questions anonymously to help sustain the illusion that blogging is a valid substitute for real relationships. Then you can post the answers on your blog so that when your mom starts complaining about you not having any friends, you can say "Oh yeah, Mom? If I don't have any friends, then why are all these people asking me inane questions? Yeah, that's what I thought. Now go make me a sandwich."

If nothing else, it's a great way to reach your monthly quota for posts during the shortest and busiest month of the year, so I thought I'd try it out.

Here are some questions my adoring fans have asked:

Question: What is your name?

Answer: S. Misanthrope, pleased to meet you.

Question: What is your quest?

Answer: Oh, I see where this is going.

Question: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Answer: Blue. Wait, shit!


Question: Where can I buy a nice pair of tube socks?

Answer: Target stores offer convenient one-stop shopping for all your family's needs, including a wide selection of tube socks at low, low prices. With over ten million locations in the greater Miami area, there's sure to be a Target in your neighborhood.

Question: Did Target pay you to say that?

Answer: Absolutely not (brought to you by Carl's Jr.)


Question: Given the current state of affairs in Turkmenistan coupled with the trade patterns in the Suez Canal and the likely return of El Nino, how do you see Australian professional basketball evolving over the next 10 to 15 years?

Answer: Blue.


Question: George W. Bush - great president, or greatest president?

Answer: Goddamn it, Colbert, did you think I was joking about that restraining order?

Question: Sorry.

Answer: It's okay.

Question: Will you still send me a picture of your toes?

Answer: For the last time, no!

Question: How about just your left pinkie toe?

Answer: Fine.

Question: Thank you.

Answer: You're welcome.


Question: When I was three, I got my finger caught in my mother's sewing machine. Since I was a deaf-mute child, I couldn't scream, and she didn't notice until she had already sewn seven stitches into my hand. As a result, I have a long silk thread coming out of my palm like Spiderman.

Answer: That's not a question.

Question: Oh, right. My question is: I want to use my magic spider thread to choke my girlfriend during sex. Is that consistent with Ayn Rand's philosophy?

Answer: As long as you do it on top of a pile of money, it should be fine.


Question: What's your favorite scary movie?

Answer: That's a good question. Since I only watch movies with one-word titles that start with S, I guess I have to go with Scream. The whole setup to that movie is just great, with the phone call and the "What's your favorite scary movie" question, and...wait a minute...who is this? Hello? Oh, god...


Question: Look what I made you!

Answer: That's not a question, and I can't look, you moron, this is the internet.

Question: You can if you look outside.



Dear Readers,

Due to national security concerns, this feature is being shut down indefinitely. Formspring is fucking creepy. But just because I don't want to talk to you all anymore, doesn't mean I love you any less.

Kiss kiss,

S. Misanthrope

1 comment:

  1. " My question is: I want to use my magic spider thread to choke my girlfriend during sex. Is that consistent with Ayn Rand's philosophy?"