Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Business Idea: The Jersey Shorus Rex

This is an educational toy for children designed to teach them important lessons about life, the balance of the Universe, and not being a complete tool.

WHAT IS IT?

The Jersey Shorus Rex is similar to the impossibly awesome Roboraptor. Unlike the Roboraptor, however, the Jersey Shorus Rex is programmed specifically to maim, dismember, and ultimately kill cast members of MTV's Jersey Shore.

WHAT DOES IT DO?

The Jersey Shorus Rex will sense, locate, stalk and attack anything related to New Jersey or the show Jersey Shore. Simply activate the Jersey Shorus Rex with your remote control device. It will spend a minute exploring and adjusting to its surroundings. You can then control it's activity by hand, or by selecting one of four modes: roam, hunt, play, or sleep.

In "roam" mode, the Jersey Shorus Rex will patrol the perimeter of the space it inhabits, always on the lookout for signs of New Jersey, but mostly engaged in casual, but vigilant, exploration of its environment.

In "hunt" mode, the Jersey Shorus Rex actively seeks, corners, and annihilates all things New Jersey. Once "hunt" mode is activated, the Jersey Shorus Rex will not rest until it has tasted sweet New Jersey blood, so be sure you have some available.

In "play" mode, rather than destroy its prey, the Jersey Shorus Rex will bring the limp, not-yet-dead bodies of Jersey Shore cast members to you and will bat them around, cat-like, for your enjoyment until you choose to end their suffering.

In "sleep" mode, the Jersey Shorus Rex will remain inactive unless something New Jersey comes within a programmable radius.

WHAT'S IN THE BOX?

The basic product includes the Jersey Shorus Rex (batteries totally included because it's hella lame not to include them) and one generic Jersey Shore action figure, plus remote control and hair gel. You can use the remote control to make the action figure say "It's a Jersey thing," which will instantly drive the Jersey Shorus Rex into a feeding frenzy that lasts approximately 45 minutes.

All of the iconic Jersey Shore cast members are available as well (sold separately), including:

"The Situation" - includes 3 changeable graphic tees, plus hair gel

Ronnie - includes catch phrase "What was I supposed to do?" and realistic punching action, plus hair gel

JWOWW - inflatable for before and after weightloss versions, plus hair gel

and of course Snooki - with a variety of vague grunting noises and unintelligible slang, plus hair gel

You can also purchase the Jersey Shore beach house, car, and satanic duck phone. For more morally advanced children, you can also buy the film crew, producers and MTV executives. This will help them learn that moral culpability does not end with the moron who punches people for no reason, but continues on up the food chain and rests, ultimately, on the viewers who make these shows profitable.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

All people and things from New Jersey emit low levels of a specific type of radiation unique to hair gel. Even the tiniest amount of this radiation is detectable by the Jersey Shorus Rex through sensors on its forehead and snout, enabling it to sense its prey from up to a quarter of a mile away as well as through wood, brick, cement, and fiberglass. Watch out, Jersey Shore cast! You can run, but you can't hide.

Available now! Shipping to 49 states (not available in New Jersey).

Updated 1/30/2011: Corrected spelling. Apparently "Snooki" only has one "i." Normally I wouldn't care, but the correct spelling makes the name even more retarded, so I couldn't let it slide.

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