Monday, December 27, 2010

Threatdown #1: Trees

Trees are the most evil things in existence, for the simple reason that they are everywhere and that, given the chance, they will kill you.

True, they don't get the chance all that often, being inanimate objects (or so we are told). Most of the time they just drop sticky stuff on your car and leave it at that. Some lure children into their seemingly sturdy branches, only to chuckle (in a way that sounds a good deal like rustling leaves but isn't) at the broken bones that ensue. Occasionally trees will take it a step further, sacrificing limbs in their ongoing war against windshields. A few bolder ones go completely kamikaze in their efforts to cause property damage.

The "crash and smash" strategy of warfare historically favored by trees is not too difficult for humans to counter, but recently trees have revealed a far more sinister mode of attack. They are capable not only of smacking us on the head, but of the invasion of our very bodies.

That's right: trees have indeed sent their spores into the bodies of humans, where they have taken root and caused hemorrhaging. Like most totally fucked up things, this was first documented in Russa where (I am not kidding), a fir tree grew *inside a man's lung*, complete with root system and foliage. As in the space race, the United States lagged the Soviets but was eager to one-up them by boasting a man with a pea sprout growing inside him. This is doubly disturbing as we humans generally believe that we totally own things like peas that we not only eat but also fucking invented. Add to this the fact that geckos have been found inside chicken eggs, and it's enough to make anyone go pro-ana.

Of course, we are the fools for inviting these monsters into our very homes. You may as well keep a baby saber-tooth tiger in your living room as a ficus. We romanticize trees to no end, be it in great works of literature (in real life, Treebeard would eat those hobbits) or in disturbing children's poems (the smartest thing the boy in "The Giving Tree" did was to chop that fucker down).

A few others out there have seen the danger posed by these sylvan specters and tried to warn us. Allstate has cautioned not only against live trees waiting to collapse on your car, but also of seemingly-benign Christmas trees ready to slip off someone's roof while on the interstate to cause a ten-car pileup (a menace even I had not considered). The Little Prince, while seemingly a whimsical novella for children, is actually a timeless treatise on the dire tree threat which challenges the dangerous but common delusion that there is "plenty of room on this planet for both humans and trees.".

The fact is, we've been warned. When the Tree-pocalypse goes down, we'll have no one to blame but ourselves.

So remember, when they want you to see this:

Or this:

Or this:

You  should be seeing this:

Most sincerely,

S. Misanthrope

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