Monday, December 27, 2010

How Wishing Works

Some people seem to be confused on this topic lately, so I thought I'd be helpful and clarify the issue. Good will toward men and all.

So, I have a tendency to say things like "I wish babies weren't allowed in public," or "I wish there were no trees," and certain idiots nice people who are probably just confused due to not being fully recovered from their recent lobotomies that removed their entire rational faculty tend to respond with comments like "You were a baby once, too, you know," and "If there were no trees, you'd have no air to breathe, so you should be grateful for them and love them like they were your own baby-kitten hybrid creation of perpetual neediness and love." To which I usually reply with an elegant "Please shut your god-damned face, you simpering nematode."

But since it's Christmas (Happy Day 3, everyone! I'm sure I don't have to explain that the 12 days of Christmas actually come *after* Christmas, not before as Christmas countdowns on television would have you believe. Surely my dear readers are intelligent enough to realize that, if the wise men had to follow a star that would appear when the Christ child was born, they couldn't have begun their 12 day journey until Christmas Day at the earliest, and would therefore not have arrived at the manger until January 5th. I'm sure I don't need to tell you all that.), I will be generous.

Listen up, because I am only going to say this once. Ready?

Wishing doesn't change anything.

There are absolutely no circumstances under which the expression of my desire for human procreation to be relegated to a Matrix-like facility would lead to any actual changes to the world. Merely articulating my wish, however ardent and sincere, that people with pizza nipples be required by law to wear shirts at all times, or that gingers be forbidden from breeding so that the giant evolutionary mistake that is freckles might one day be eliminated from the gene pool has no affect on reality. I really, truly wish it did, but there again, my wishing is irrelevant.

I think it funny, by the way, that everyone is quick to realize this when the tables are turned. When someone wishes they had wealth or fame, most people are ready to remind them that if wishes were horses, there'd be a lot of shit in the streets. Wish for something reasonable, and everyone easily recalls the cause and effect principle of the universe whereby your mind does not have the power to control or alter reality. But make one small remark about midget chain gangs being extremely useful for farming baby carrots (to them it's like farming normal-sized carrots), and suddenly the fabric of reality is urgently threatened by your every flight of fancy.

Now you've been warned. I'm so overwhelmed by Christmas Spirit at the moment, I'm giving everyone who pulled this crap on me in 2010 a Get-Off-The-Stupid-List-Free card, but don't expect me to be so generous in 2011. I expect us to learn from our mistakes. We've got 5 days left to figure this out. Maybe practice in front of a mirror. Try phrases like "I wish that every time an orphan caroler misses the high note in 'O Holy Night', their head would explode," or "I wish Eugene Levy's eyebrows would be forced to fight each other in a caged fight to the death, and I hope the left one wins."

And do let me know if any of your wishes spontaneously come true, because I really would like to be rid of babies and trees.

Ho, ho, ho,

S. Misanthrope

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