I realize the year has not quite come to an end yet, but the way things have been going, I think it's best to quit while we're only ten thousand light years behind.
The Good Things that Happened in 2010
1. Daniel Radcliffe once again spent most of the year naked, but this time with Hermione instead of a horse, which is a significant improvement. And yes, he's totally old enough for this to be a good thing.
Unfortunately, I could only locate a photo of the horse which, due to U.S. equine pornography laws, cannot be reposted here. Instead, please enjoy this photo of Angelina "I've Already Done That" Jolie:
Have fun explaining that to your six children.
2. A brilliant combination of good writing, witty dialog, and a British accent somehow made this guy sexy:
No, seriously. Check this out:
3. Cuddy also spent most of the year naked.
And it's about time, you saucy minx.
Aaand that's pretty much it for the good things. Notice anything they all have in common? That's right, they are all completely fictional. The only good things that happened this year happened in the magical world of sci fi/fantasty/medical drama. Everything else sucked.
Bad Things that Happened in 2010
1. Natural Disasters - get 'em while they're hot! Or cold, as the case may be. Crazy ice volcanoes, Chilean earthquakes, Haitian earthquakes. Luckily all these things happened in places nobody cares about, yet they somehow managed to cause a combined GAZILLION dollars in damage. Of course that's nothing compared to:
2. Man-Made Disasters - primarily Deepwater Horizon, racking up a supposed Eleventy Bagillion dollars in economic damages. Ouch. All this, and it's not even 2012 yet. Speaking of which...
3. The Movie 2012 - came out (technically in 2009 but I wasn't blogging back then) and although I didn't see it because the title doesn't even start with a letter let alone the letter "s", I know enough to know that it ruined the boyish innocence of John Cusack as surely as Philip Seymour Hoffman ruined mine. Not cool.
4. Sarah Palin - seems to have rebounded big time. There must be some brains under that hair, because the switch from politics to reality TV was absolutely brilliant. Obama may be the first president to succeed more as a pop culture icon than as president, but his power pales in comparison to Snookie's.
Rumor has it, the Palins are just getting started. We can expect more dancing, shooting, canoeing, shooting, camping, shooting, flannel, shooting, trapper hats and moose, not to mention exciting updates from the Russian front and more sexy flight attendant outfits in 2011, followed by a government coup in 2012.
There will be no stopping her this time. Our only real chance at avoiding a future Palin presidency is to run Danica Patrick against her (the NASCAR lobby is huge). The primaries would be tough, tougher even than the Lincoln-Douglas debates. Things would get pretty dirty, and there'd be some nasty mud-slinging, too, especially during the "Mud Wrestling for Middle America" caucus.
Be honest. Who would you vote for? This:
I'm getting ahead of myself a bit here. But then, in other respects we are way behind. For instance:
5. 2010: Odyssey Not-So-Much - Absolutely nothing whatsoever from any Arthur C. Clark novel has come true yet. Not one damn thing. The Blue Danube does not resound throughout space. The Chinese haven't discovered any evil plant monsters living beneath Europa's ice. Obelisks are thin on the ground. The only robot that's ever threatened my life was that singing Christmas tree at Macy's. All I want is one teensy weensy alien threat to exterminate all life. Is that so much to ask? Come on, it's the future already!
Well, maybe next year.