Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Movie Review: Splice

Here’s another review of a one-word, starts with an “s” film for your enjoyment.

Splice, written and directed by so and so and starring Adrian Brody and some chick, is pretty much the best movie of all time. If by “best” you mean “absolute worst”, and by “movie” you mean “piece of crap”, and by “of all time” you mean “of all time.”

As the director states, Splice confronts important issues raised by the blooming science of genetic engineering. Questions like: what would happen if you mixed a bunch of genes together to make a slug, then added human DNA to make a monster, then kept that monster as a pet in a creepy lab basement and a scary abandoned farmhouse and played Scrabble with it? What if it turned out your wife had used her own DNA to create the monster? Would you then have sex with it? Then what if that monster died, then came back to life, changed sex and raped your wife? Then what if she got pregnant from the tranny-zombie-incest-monster rape? Would you keep the baby just to see what would happen, for the sake of science?

Splice’s answer to these questions is something like “Wait, what? Why are they doing that? That makes no sense. Wait, they aren’t going to…oh my god, is he really going to…? Oh god, NO! Ew, what the fuck?”

Not a thing in the entire film makes an ounce of sense. Not a micro-nano-milli-ounce even. Forget the sketchy science, which I am willing to write off as a basic hazard of sci fi writing. This goes beyond nonsensical statements like “It’s evolving!” or the “double helix” high five. The real insanity is in the actions of the characters. Everything they do is mind-bogglingly illogical. Here, I’ll show you:

So this scientist couple wants to see if they can splice human DNA into this hybrid of 7 other species that they created. The company funding them shuts the project down, so they go ahead and do the splice anyway. Fine, I’m with you so far. Then the chick decides to grow a creature from this DNA in one of the artificial wombs in the lab. This, about 5 minutes into the film, is where things start to get fucked.

The scientists know nothing about this new species, like whether or not it will gestate properly in this device. Of course it doesn’t, so the woman sticks her hand blindly into the creature and ends up being stung by a poisonous stinger, even though none of the spliced critters have poison stingers. Then instead of killing what is obviously a monster, the woman insists on keeping it and feeding it Tic Tacs without doing anything at all about this deadly poisonous stinger thing.

Soon the baby monster cannot be kept hidden in the lab, so they move it to the scary basement, and then to the farm where the woman scientist grew up with her abusive mother, where it is always midnight and everything is creaky and terrifying. All this time, she claims to be “studying it,” but all she actually does is put makeup on it. Because she never adequately dealt with her mommy issues, the scientist alternates between treating the creature like a beloved daughter and a hated animal, which of course causes the creature, who clearly possesses human or near-human levels of intelligence, to act out, like any teenager would. Except this is a teenager with amphibious lungs, prehensile tail, wings, and a poisonous stinger.

Anyway, more completely crazy and disturbing shit happens. Never, during any of it, does anyone stop to ask questions like “Is this creature human? What does it mean to be human? Does it have free will or a rational faculty? Does it form concepts and, if so, what are the implications of that ability? Can it use language? Does it have rights?” No, all they do is an MRI, after which they point to a bunch of organs and say “What is that? Oh well, we’ll worry about that later. Let’s go play Scrabble!”

All this is to say that you absolutely must watch this film. Seriously, it is the funniest thing ever made. It’s like Rocky Horror if Rocky Horror weren’t a joke. Watch it, then wonder what on earth an Oscar-winning actor did that movie for. Watch it, then watch the director’s pompous, totally serious commentary about “unconventional sex,” etc. It’s absolutely mind-blowing. For anyone who, like I, enjoys gawking at the unbelievable stupidity humans are capable of, this film is a treasure trove.

With love,
S. Misanthrope

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