Friday, August 6, 2010

On the Animal that Blushes

So here's the thing: I actually really, really like people. No, really. I'm super, super cereal.

But then here's the other thing: I'm a total masochist.

Humans are basically the most awesome thing ever. Quick, list the first 5 awesome things that come into your head. You probably thought something like: rocketships, robots, velociraptors, quantum mechanics, and gum. Well, you can thank humans for all of these. Good job, humanity. Muchas gracias.

Maybe you thought something stupid like: sunsets, pandas, forests, pearls, Mt. Everest; and are like "Hey, humans aren't responsible for these awesome things!" Well yeah, you picked the wrong things, dumbass. Sunsets? We could blow up the fucking sun if we wanted. Haven't you seen Armageddon? And pandas are just evolution's biggest fail. That other stuff is crap, too. Seriously, what's cooler than *robots*? I rest my case.

Some amazonian frog may sweat the cure for cancer from his eyeballs, but that's just coincidence. The biologist who studies the frog and the pharmacologist who invents the drug actually *create* something amazing. Humans are cool because we actually choose to do the cool shit we do. That means we get credit for it. Props. Kudos. Unfortunately, it also means we get the blame when we choose to do fucking retarded shit. That's where I come in.

You know those scare-tactic statistics we always hear, like "Every minute a cigarette leaps out of a smoker's mouth and strangles a baby?" Well here's a much scarier one for you: every second, no, every *millisecond*, someone does something amazingly stupid.

This is nothing new, of course. We can assume there were a lot of fuckups on the way to discovering fire ("Well Urg, our offspring didn't make good kindling. Let's try these small rocks!")  What is new is the internets. The internets has made it possible not only to rise to new levels of stupid ("Hey honey, I just sent our account number to this Nigerian guy. We're gonna be rich!"), but to document all the traditional stupid meticulously and publicly, preserving it for all time. This blog will be one small part of that great effort.

When stupid pops up on my radar, I will call it out. When the driver of an electric car boasts that he consumes no fossil fuels, I will lash him with scathing prose. When something that isn't a penis looks like a penis, I will lead the pointing and laughing. When I spend an hour searching for my sunglasses only to discover they are on top of my head, well, I probably won't write about that because it's not that funny, but you get the idea.

I'm lucky in that I'm better than everyone else, and I've managed to find friends who are better than everyone else too. We hang around, being better and smarter than everyone else, happily ensconced in our bubble of superiority. But every so often, stupid intrudes, whether from without or within. When that happens, I will record it here. You know, for the children.

With love,

S. Misanthrope

1 comment:

  1. haha. Great post. "When the driver of an electric car boasts that he consumes no fossil fuels..." but they never say anything about lithium battery consumption...