Thursday, August 5, 2010

How to Tell if You Are Fat

My whole life I have wondered how people *really* see me. Sure you can check yourself out in a mirror, or on the television at Sears, or take Polaroids like Cher. You can ask your friends, but they will lie to you. How could you ever really *know* what you look like to others?

After more than a decade of pondering, the answer came to me in a flash of brilliant insight. The method is flawless, simply stunning in its simplicity, cunning, and scientific accuracy. Here is how to find out what you look like in 3 easy steps:

Step 1: Do something that will get someone to call the cops on you. This may be a challenge if you are in a place like New York or San Francisco where defecating in public is standard fare. If you're in Iran, try removing your burqa or holding hands with someone of the same sex (the latter works well in Utah, as well.)

Step 2: Hide from the police. Letting yourself get arrested will probably work too, but it isn't necessary.

Step 3: Obtain the transcript from the 911 call and see how the caller described you.

It's that easy! No more wondering whether you are a medium height, medium build brunette male or a short, slightly heavy-set dark blond female. The truth is out there, waiting for you.

Other tips: Wish you could stop asking "does this make me look fat?" Run multiple experiments in different outfits, and you won't have to blindly trust your friends and mirrors any longer! Remember to change locations (preferably at the county or state level) between tests to keep the fuzz off your back.

With love,

S. Misanthrope

No comments:

Post a Comment